Child Rearing

 Spare the rod and spoil the child!”

“It takes the whole village to raise a child”

A wise man was once approached by a pregnant woman. She asked the wise man, “How old should my child be to start teaching him to be disciplined?” The wise man asked her, “How many months have you been pregnant?” The woman said, “three months along the way.” The wise man said, “Oh no, you are three months late!”

These are some of the anecdotes and sayings about child rearing I have come across and obviously my favorites. Actually, there is no fool-proof way to raise a child. This is because as the child grows, a lot of factors kick in like the environment, the media and peer pressure to name a few. Some of these are beyond a parent’s control. Just the same, it would be wise to study some useful nuggets of wisdom here and there and feel what one thinks is most apt given a situation.

Now that we have raised four children, my wife and I are down to enjoying four grandchildren. Sometimes, we are at odds ends deciding our actual roles in their development. Are we not obligated to raise them properly? Is raising them the sole responsibility of the parents? Should we not be in complete control ourselves? Are all we shall be good for is to enjoy, pamper and spoil the children? My best guess is no, and I am betting my bottom dollar (kasama na pamato) that we are just as responsible. In the villages of Africa, probably having observed how lions behaved where the lionesses take turns in caring and rearing for the young. These lionesses are the hunters of the pride and yet, during a hunt for food, one or two adult females are left behind to tend for the young.This is extended to breast feeding. A lioness who has just given birth will feed on another mother's offspring. The male, supposedly the king of the jungle, waits for the kill and yet, will have the privilege to eat first. Well, his responsibility is to secure the safety of the territory and the whole pride, a not so simple task considering that his stay with the pride lasts for two years the longest and another takes over. This probably is the source of the saying, “It takes a whole community to raise a child.” I believe the wisdom it partakes. Consistency is one of the key elements for a child to distinguish and remember what is good and what is right. If one of the caretakers do not re enforce a lesson, the child is most likely not to learn it.

Will it be wise to give in to a child’s wishes especially when our patience is being challenged and in all desperateness, just because we have a lot of things to do,i.e. surrender our cellphones so that they will be off our backs? It does not take a rocket scientist to know that that is not what one should do. If we give in to their wishes, we are letting them discipline us and not the other way around.

“Spare the rod and spoil the child” has been with us for a very long time. The non-advocates would probably frown upon this nugget of wisdom because it has been abused. The older generation, and by that, I mean generations much older than I am, believed the rod to mean a literal one. Thus termed as the "carrot and the stick" once referred to as reward and punishment where they took the punishment literaly with a slap or beating for a misdeed. Times have changed and the rod is now more of a symbol of discipline. Not giving into the demand of a little boy is a rod. Not surrendering to the outlandish cries of a toddler and sticking to your decisions is a rod.

We must remember that life is about choices. Our choices determine what kind of life we shall lead. We should let our children reap from their correct choices and suffer from the wrong ones. They will learn more from the results of their actions than being told of the consequences.

Parenting is no easy task. One has been blessed to take care of God’s gift, we should not ruin it. In the end, a child who has grown believing of false entitlement and undisciplined will prove to be a lonely man, all alone with everybody hating him or her and will never earn true respect and admiration from peers but instead will be loathsome and hated for his/her self-proclaimed privileges.

Baguio- the summer (brawling) capital

It has been last week and last night that I saw a ramble happening at the city of pines on tv. In both instances, the protagonists were young men, probably in their twenties, involved in a free for all fisticuffs. The one I saw last night was sparked by one group challenging the other to rough it up right after a drinking binge (probably as they were all drunk as reported). You know - male machismo and all that kajologan. So juvenile and oh so primitive!

Now that I have two teen-aged boys, my greatest worry is that sooner or later, they would learn how to drink with their friends and probably go to a bar. What are the chances that they might encounter a group like these who has nothing better to do but test their machismo? Makes me shudder. To think I can't even rest in peace as I watch my youngest play basketball with his friends. What am I to do? I grew up during a time when basketball always turn out to be a brawl. First, during the MICAA which later on became the PBA. I could remember how the likes of Jaworski, Guidaben, Arnaiz, etc. would all turn the game into a boxing ball. You can just imagine how the basketball games in every municipalities were like during those days. Bottles were being thrown on the court as the players rough it up. I'm glad that this phase of the game is no more. We have matured somewhat in that regard as basketball games now are relatively peaceful. No more hotheads playing the game, I think.

I just hope my children are far from harm everytime they are out of my sight. I am not worried that they'd do anything wrong. I know they know better. It is the surroundings that I am always worried about.

We must be doing a good job

Last Wednesday, I was out of the house for a cig when my son called me from the house. He said my eldest daughter who is now working for a car company, has something to say. Just like her mom who has a penchant for ceremonies, I was wondering what the announcement would be. As I was told that she wanted me to be the first to hear the news, I entered the gate and was about to go inside the house. However, before I could enter, she already met me at the door. Secretly, she whispered that she was given her yearly bonus. Much to my surprise, she gave me 2K. I asked her how much was her bonus but she said I did not have to know. (Of course!) Then, she called her mom and gave her mom her share. Then, she called on her siblings, who was jumping with joy upon receiving her surprise. My eldest son, in jest, even kissed her footsteps while the youngest gave her kisses on her cheeks. Then, we partook of the ice cream that she brought home.

Of course, she did not have to do that. She already shares with some of the household expenses. When I was growing up, we had a neighbor who was berating her son for not showing utang na loob (debt of gratitude) to his parents for having reared him and sent him to school. At the time, I thought that was right but my parents told me that there was something wrong with her logic. It is the parents' obligation to rear their children, give them shelter and clothing, send him to school and all that. But, the child has no obligation to his parents for bringing him into this world. The child never chose who his/her parents will be, in the first place. If a child decides to take care of his aging parents, feed them and give them a share of his/her earnings, that would be out of the graciousness of his/her heart, not out of duty or obligation.

Nevertheless, I rememeber the first time I earned money. It was during the first quarter storm and ironically, the country was visited by a strong typhoon and hundreds of people were stranded in Central Luzon. The government ordered nutribuns (I wonder if anybody can remember these) to be sent to those stranded along the roads of Pampanga en route to Manila. The producer of these nutribuns were neighbors and could not keep up with the demands to supply the needed product unless they work round the clock. The solution was to employ us, the neighborhood gang, for the night shift and I got the chance to work even for just a night. I remember having earned Php10.00. (Maybe we were underpaid but we did not care. What we knew was that we had fun). I offered my mom half of it and she was very pleased. When my eldest daughter Now I know what that money meant to my mom.

Pride and shame

I'm so proud of my eldest while I feel ashamed of myself. You see, they have never seen me go home drunk before. Well, at least not in a very very long time. Maybe while they were about two or three years old when all they have were fond memories of toys and dolls and those family outings that no memory of their father going home drunk really mattered. It was very seldom anyway.

Last Sunday, my wife had a three-day seminar in Zambales and I had nothing to do. So, when my friends told me to join them for a drink, I went. As I and my friends know that I am not allowed to drink alcohol, they just offered me red wine. Lo and behold, unbeknownst to me, I have gobbled up two bottles and was pretty drunk. The fact that I came there on a cab made me think it would be okay since I was not driving. Besides, I used to finish a Carlos I with no problem at all. Never got drunk with red wine.

When I got home, I sat on the sofa and before I knew it, I puked! I ran to the toilet but even then couldn't contain myself and threw up some more spilling everything my tummy can offer. I immediately took a bath while my daughter cleaned up after me.

Here's the funny part. Last night, when my wife arrived, my daughter, together with the other siblings, asked her mom, "Ma, has papa confessed yet?" My wife asked what happened? The children were silently waiting for my response. I couldn't look my children in the eyes but I jokingly said, "I was with three beautiful women last night." hehehe

This morining, it was just me and my eldest inside the car on the way to work. I asked her, "have you told your mother?" "No, of course not. It's your duty to tell her." I said I will in due time. All she said was, "you should! Ang kapal ng face mo pag hindi."

I tell you, once your kids have grown, they will always end to be the wiser.

You want it? Pay for it.

I mentioned in another post that I had been jamming with my two boys since they discovered a little music studio near our area. Well, the older of the two is so into music he had been bugging me to buy him an electric guitar since last year. I can see his interest with the instrument as I see him downloading tunes in the internet and trying to learn how to play it with my classical guitar. (Imagine trying to bend notes on a nylon string.) I told him earlier on that if he really wanted one, then he should at least shoulder half the cost. I thought that would be the end of it since I and my wife knows that he is rather stingy. :-)

I am serious about him paying for at least half of the price of an electric guitar. There are several reasons why and these are:

1. I do not have that much money. Inasmuch as I would like my children to have everything they wanted, I have to prioritize which ones I am giving in to as I am not a rich man. I will have to make every centavo count;
2. I would know that he is really determined to learn. I do not want to see another guitar cluttering our small house.;
3. I will be assured that he will take good care of it (he is stingy, remember?); and,
4. I co-own the instrument, hence, can play it anytime I wanted

I think my son is a born musician. He is self taught with the guitar. Read here how he learned to play the instrument. That ought to be inspiring.

He was in Grade 3 when he told me he wanted to play the violin. I told him sure but he will have to just use the school's violin first. I thought it was just a passing phase. But later on, I realized he was really that interested. I told my wife we better get him a cheap violin as he had to practice at home, too. So, we bought him a half-size violin. True enough, he always had that violin with him. When we were to go home, all I had to do was find that violin sound and sure enough, it was him. So, the following year, we asked my niece who lives in the States and was coming over for a visit, to buy him a full-size violin. You should see the smile on his face when he got the surprise. To date, he is a member of the orchestra and had been the school's concert master last year before he graduated high school.

Anyway, last Friday, he texted me to say that there was a sale on electric guitars and that he can shoulder half of the price. He had been earning from gigs with the orchestra and saving cash. I told him I had no cash available. He was really dismayed. The following day, my two Korean students who had been having classes with me for painting paid me. So, I asked my wife's permission if I can use the money to purchase the guitar our son wanted. She gave me the nod and so, I told my son to get his money ready as we were buying the sought after guitar. Well, we did buy it and as I expected I ended up paying for it more. About 55% of the cost (magulang talaga) True to form, my son is currently sleeping with it. Now my only wish is that the younger do not ask for a drum set as that is not really possible at this time.

What values? Cash or in kind?

How much luxury should a parent allow his/her child? I ask this because I've seen students of ours who have very expensive cellphones, sometimes even having two. I don't know why they need to have two but they do. Maybe one for texting, another, (Sun) for calling.

I am not writing this to criticize parents who have the luxury of buying their children the latest cellphone and whatever technological gadget there is. How one raises his/her child(ren) is entirely up to himself/herself. Noone has the right formula in rearing kids. I know I don't. I am writing this because as always, I want to share my thoughts with my children and their children's children on what I think and what guidelines I follow in life.

One of my daughters wanted to buy a new cellphone. (I know she'd hate me for sharing this. She even dreads her coming birthday knowing I'd be writing about her. :-)) She knew I wouldn't give her money so she's using her own. Her godmother arrived from the States and since they haven't seen each other for a long time, decided to give her cash. Now, adding to that amount her own savings, she, indeed, can buy a second-hand phone.

My wife was okay with it. However, when given the chance, since my daughter never mentioned it to me, I told her I have reservations about her purchasing another cellphone. What for? It's not that it's a necessity. More than anything else, it is merely a status symbol. And because it is, you have to flaunt it. Always keep it visible to let everyone know you have an expensive phone. Otherwise, why need one if you just keep it in your pocket, right? Remember, its a status symbol. If yor phone is not visible, ergo, you don't have your status? Now, when did that ever become a virtue? You are just inviting pickpockets and probably endangering your life that way. When everybody else appears to be living in abject poverty, I think, it is a sin to flaunt your material possessions.

One of my apprehensions in having my kids study in a school where there are plenty of rich kids is that my children may get their penchant for material things. My wife and I have always been simple people. My kids know that. They know that while we do not live in dire straits, we only have enough for our needs. Maybe give in to a few luxury here and there but that would be on a very lucky day. i have been using the same cellphone for years. I fear of accidentally leaving it on the restaurant not because it might get stolen, but because the waiter might think its trash and throw it down the toilet in disgust. My wife only had her cellphone just recently because she "inherited" my eldest daughter's. My eldest daughter is now in college and without me knowing it, bought her own brand new cellphone from her own pocket.

Back to having expensive cellphones. Maybe these teen agers think its part of the packaging these days. Mabye that comes with wealth. If you have it, why deprive your child, right? Parents only want the very best for their children. However, I am of the impression that this not need to be so. I shall remain firm that if there's a need for a cellphone, all you need is a phone that works. That especially holds true if you're a student. If it's good for texting and you can use it to call somebody else, that's good enough. Maybe teeners believe that having a "neat" cellphone is part of a good packaging for oneself. But what it is to me is that the packaging of a student is not what he/she has but what is stored in her brain. Do all of the lessons stick to their heards? Do they make their assignments, give their projects in time, maintain a good grade? Do others perceive them to be good kids? Are they respectful? Are they aware of their roots? Are they sensitive to the issues that concern the common man? Are they sympathetic to those in need? Are they independent? For me, these are the ones that comprise the packaging of a good student. If my children can say yes to all these, then I shall be a happy parent.

PS

In fairness to my obedient kid, she's passing on this one. She didn't buy the phone. I love her so much.

Parenting:Life and choices

Before being a teacher, I am a parent first. This is what life is to me, my raison d'etre. Like anybody else, I had no practice being a parent. And so, it's kind of a hit or miss. However, it should not be. I cannot afford having too many misses.

If life was only about black and white.. moral and immoral... good or bad, it would have been a lot simpler. yet, it is not so. There are too many things in between. Let me illustrate.

Being parents, me and my wife have made too many close calls. These were crucial as what was in line was the fate of four kids who are dependent on us for sustenance, shelter, education and everything normal children need. Life is about decisions and we have to teach the children to learn how to make the right ones. Take note, I said teach them to learn how, not teach them the right ones. It may be easier to say don't do this or that but the lesson might not be learned. Giving them options and leading them on to the right path might.

When my third child, Kim, was in grade one, she had an assignment to bring her CL handout. During this time, they had several handouts which looked alike. Anyway, she forgot to bring hers and feared she might be given a zero as the teacher threatened the day before. Knowing what the assignment was, my wife asked Kim during dinner what happened during the subject. "Kim, you forgot your handout. I suppose you got a zero in class today." "No, mom," was her reply. "Really, what did you do?" asked my wife. "When the teacher asked us to read the hand-out, I took the one for Language and pretended to read. She didn't notice." My first reaction was to scold her as that was being dishonest. However, as I pondered what i have to say at that time, I said to myself, "not bad. Kim is a survivor." My wife and I were thinking, what Grade one kid would have thought of that? So, as I told her it was dishonest and not to repeat it again, she didn't receive any tongue lashing that time.