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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

My married life

Let's talk about marriage. My wife and I have been married twenty-one years now. Well, almost. We will be celebrating the 21st come April 20, which happens to be her nth birthday, too. In twenty years time, we've managed to raise four kids (of course, you know this by now), purchased a small house and lot (still paying for the amortization), an old but dependable Lite-ace, an antiquated computer which takes several hours to get connected to the internet and so on and so forth. Let's just say that we fancy antiques, okay?

What makes for a lasting relationship with your spouse? Try open communication, honesty and compromise. The success of married life depends on these three basic things.

The lines of communication should always be open. Each spouse must be able to say freely what he/she wants to say regardless of what the other might think. There should be no reservations. This is the test that you are comfortable with each other.

Honesty is self-explanatory. How can your spouse trust you if you have too many secrets? I don't. I tell my wife everything. Even those that are incriminating. "We went to this bar where there were dancers in the buff" (This was in Toronto with her cousins, hehe) well, something like that. Get the picture? Not once has my wife become jealous. (Sabi nga ng mga kaibigan ko sa misis ko, "yan ba namang mukhang yan ng asawa mo, pagseselosan mo pa?)

I say compromise because there have been a number of times that you cannot see eye to eye. You discuss everything before coming to a final decision. From what kind of nail to use to the latest re-modeling of the house you plan to undertake. This is especially true when it comes to child-rearing. Each one of you would have your own ideas, based on your experiences, on how to deal with your kids. Naturally, you would only want the best for your children, right? So, given the same motivations, it is in the implementation and the details that becomes a problem most of the time. In the end, what makes keeping a relationship hard are the minutiae. When noone wants to back-down on a decision.

As a teacher, my idea is always to teach my children a lesson, no matter how hard it may be for them. I will not waiver on my decision once I have given it. However, there are times when the wifey would succumb and plead for the children. Now comes a long, arduous battle of wits, argumentation and debate. Sometimes, it becomes a matter of who talks faster and louder... but we don't usually come to this. I usually go out of the house, cool myself down, gather more arguments but also looking at her perspective. YOu see, a good debater must know how to argue not only for his side, but also for the opponent's side. This way, you would know the strenghts and weaknesses of the other's arguments. I tell you, arguing before a judge is a piece of cake compared to arguing with your spouse. First of all, you don't have an objective arbiter. Who do you suppose can mediate between the two of you? Nobody. You have to come up with a compromise. And you know what? Nobody wins in a compromise. You both lose. In fairness to me and my wife, when I return home, we would have both cooled down, forget about it for a while, and come to grips later on and make a final decision. This ploy has made me stay in this relationship, I think this is how it's going to be till the end.

Lastly, it doesn't hurt to say "I love you" once in a while. Just when you feel like saying it, say it. But most of all, MEAN IT!

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Anonymous Toni said...

Thank you for this, Tito R!!! :) Very inspirational. H & I have been married for almost 3 years -- it's always great to learn from those who have successfully stayed together for a long long time.

5:06 PM  
Blogger Rey A said...

Were you really being honest in Toronto? How about that lap dance you had?:)...Nice article on married life. Congratulations on your 21st Anniversary. Four more years and it'll be Silver Bells. My wife and I are going on 20 this year, nauna pala kayo ng isang taon. Be well and God Bless.

11:45 AM  
Blogger Luchie said...

Happy 21st Anniversary!! For sure with the way you look at marriage you'll reach more than 50 years.
God bless!!!

9:45 PM  
Blogger Jdavies said...

i have no plans to marry anytime soon but these pointers will be taken to heart when my turn comes. I wish u all the best in your marriage tito rolly! =)

9:46 PM  
Blogger Poppycock said...

tito rols, we're the same :)

i'll be 21 years married to my lovey on may 21. i never thought that marriage was going to be the blessing it truly is. i realize, more than anything that for it to work, God has to be in the equation, and when we applied that in our lives, my husband and i became closer, more patient, more forgiving, and more loving with one another :)

5:57 AM  
Blogger Kyaw Tun said...

Thant a lot for your posting. It is really helpful for me, of marriage life of 3 years with difficulty in achieving happy life.

6:36 PM  
Blogger rolly said...

Sorry for the late response, guys. Had been extremely busy.

Toni 3 years... ah you are still at the sweetest stage. Honeymoon stage pa rin yan. Just keep on doing what you're doing right now and before you'll know it, you'll be working on your twentry-fifth, too.

rey a no, no lap dance. just watched. Didn't even bother to go up the stage with a five dollar bill. Ano hilo? mahal nun ha. Happy anniversary din sa inyong mag-asawa.

luchie Sana nga. That would mean we'll live longer pati. thanks.

jardine Yeah, there's no use rushing into marriage. But don't wait too long, too ha. You're not forever young. hahaha

mayamaya Yes, I remember you celebrate your wedding anniversary just right after ours. 21 years na rin kayo. Isn't that nice? you're right, God should always come into the equation.

kyaw tun Hi. Welcome to my blog. I'm glad this post helped. You guys must still be adjusting to each of your ways. Just keep on working for a happy life.

5:38 AM  
Blogger Kat said...

what a sweet post! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY to both of you! you lead a blessed life complete with gorgeous daughters and handsome sons! CONGRATULATIONS! cheers to many more years of wedded bliss!

7:15 AM  
Anonymous bayi said...

Rolly, your last few posts have given us quite an insight into you and your family. And I must say that all these have shown you to be very human indeed, that you are a responsible and compassionate man, a loving husband and a doting father.

I have been married for more than 27 years now and I have a philosophy very similar to yours, open communication, compromise, etc. and this works wonders.


8:56 PM  
Blogger rolly said...

Kat Thanks. Still working on that wedded bliss. Hope you get to greet us on our golden anniversary. haha

Bayi I can't claim to be all that. Like an ordinary man, I also fall sometimes. But I manage to get up fast and learn from it.

27 years? I'm glad I am using these formulae. At least I'm guaranteed for another 6 years.

5:43 AM  
Blogger eruannie said...

tito rolly, i missed you at the iblog2! dami naghanap sa iyo.

may i link this post to my personal blog? it's a good thing i dropped by your blog. gandang reading para sa amin ni hubby. we will be attending our first ME (marriage encounter) tomorrow :-)

7:23 PM  
Anonymous rachelle said...

hello tito! :P

happy anniversary to you and your wife.

21 years is really something. especially nowadays when couples everywhere are breaking up and relationships come and go so easily.

congrats and hope more years of happiness and love for you! :P

8:44 PM  
Blogger Chet said...

Happy Anniversary, Rolly and Nitz!

It's still Thursday, 21/4, where I am (London) so I'm not late in sending my greetings for many more years of happiness together!

2:55 AM  
Blogger rolly said...

eruannie i really wanted to go to the summit but work got in the way. I would not have missed that event otherwise. There's one happening again next year, right?

Good luck on your first marriage encounter. Oh, and thanks for linking this post in yours. Yes, it will be my pleasure if you link up with me.

rachelle I like your new site.

Thanks for the well-wishes. Yes, hopefully, we get to celebrate our golden anniversary.

Chet Thanks for taking the time out from your busy sched to send us your greetings. How was the meeting with Janis Ian? Has it happened already? Shake her hand for me, okay?

9:33 PM  
Blogger BatJay said...

Happy anniversary bossing. Ang tindi talaga ng pasensya ng kumander mo, napagtiisan ka ng 30 years.

You've both been good parents to your kids. Yan talaga ang pwedeng ipagmalaki.

Happy trip.

11:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is Nitz. I'd like to thank all of you for your wonderful greetings. i really had a nice birthday and anniversary celebration. Nice reading your post and comments.

2:40 PM  
Anonymous bing said...

hi, mr rolly, belated happy anniversary to you and to your wife.

di dapat nagtitiwala sa kasabihang "yan ba namang mukhang yan ng asawa mo, pagseselosan mo pa?" kasi ala sa itsura yan ha ha joke joke

i admire your views about marriage, galeng!

9:46 PM  

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Twenty years of teaching must sure amount to something. A new friend in cyberspace suggested I ought to have a journal by now. I agree.

Taken by my friend Arlene Lawson in her room at Century Park Sheraton in May, 2000.
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